Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
Years ago, I was helping children and grandchildren of Holocaust survivors write their family stories. They felt responsible for preserving what they knew about their parents’ past, but these stories were painful to write, not only because of what happened during the war, but because of how the past was carried forward to them.
Some learned through a parent’s nightmares: screams and cries in the night that awoke them. Others had parents who told them about their wartime experiences when they were far too young, and the stories terrified them. And still others had parents who never spoke to them about the war, but it surrounded them in whispers and secrets. They wanted to know more, but knew not to ask.
About the same time, I was taking the Mindful Self-Compassion program developed by Drs. Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer, and I knew what I was learning would benefit my family story writers. So I adapted what I learned into a simple kindness practice they could do whenever their writing got hard.
Since then, I’ve taught this kindness practice to every family story writer I’ve worked with because every family story includes something that’s painful. Losing a parent. Leaving a home or country. Siblings who stopped talking to each other. A devastating illness.
Whether you know there’s a part of your story that will be difficult to write, or you’ve started writing and found it’s harder than you expected, here’s how to be kind to yourself when writing your family story.
This series will help you get ready for your family story project using the Storykeeping® method.
The 3-Step Process
How to Be Kind to Yourself When Writing
It takes strength to stay with hard feelings instead of pushing them away. Being kind to yourself is like a superpower that helps you do just that.
Kindness brings comfort in the moment and gives you room to feel. It helps you find the words to describe what you’re feeling, and may even help you bring more words to your family story.
1. Name the Feeling
Psychiatrist Dan Siegel explains that when you name a strong feeling, your brain releases “soothing neurotransmitters” that calm your body down. He calls this “name it to tame it.” It’s truly amazing. And I can say from my own experience that it works.
Begin by asking yourself: What am I feeling right now? You might say something general, like sad, mad, or scared. That’s a great start.
To get more specific, try this printable Feelings Wheel. It was developed by Gloria Willcox in the early 1980s to help people name their feelings.
To use it, start with a general feeling at the center, then move outward to find a more precise word. For example, you start at the center with “sad,” then move outward and realize that “grief” describes it better. You might stay with grief, or move outward once more and find that “devastated” describes it best.
You’ll know you’ve landed on the right word when it feels like you’ve just told the truth about how you feel. You might feel a sense of relief. Jot the word in the margin of your Family Story Notebook, in case you want to use it in your story.
2. Remind Yourself That You’re Not Alone
One of the most painful things about difficult feelings is that they can make you feel alone. And that only adds to the pain.
So when you name your feeling, remind yourself that you’re not alone in it. Ask yourself: Has someone else in my family felt this way? Or someone in another family, somewhere? Almost always, the answer is yes, because pain is a normal part of family life.
Say to yourself out loud or silently: Other people feel this way. I’m not alone. This is part of being in a family.
It may help you feel a little more connected, and make the feeling a little easier to bear.
3. Bring Yourself Comfort
This is where the kindness really comes in. It’s often easier to be kind to others than to ourselves. So think about what you’d say to a good friend or loved one in pain, then say those words to yourself.
For example, you might say: I’m sorry you’re feeling this. This isn’t easy. It takes courage to write your family story.
You can also bring yourself kindness through touch, with or without words. Touch can calm your body and bring relief when you’re in pain. Give yourself a hug by gripping opposite elbows, place your hand on your heart, hold one hand in the other, or give yourself a comforting pat on the back.
It may feel unusual at first, but the more you do it, the more natural it will feel. You may even notice people being kind to themselves all around you. In her song “Flowers,” Miley Cyrus sings about comforting herself after a breakup, holding her own hand and giving herself the kindness she’d hoped to get from someone else.
Kindness helps you stay present when the writing gets hard.
What Supports Your Family Story Writing?
Being kind to yourself is one of several small things that make family story writing easier.
Your Family Story Notebook is a place to explore and craft your story, and a good place to jot down the feeling words you find. A writing spot where you feel comfortable and safe can make it easier to stay with hard feelings when they come up.
A writing ritual helps you arrive, and a ritual for leaving can help you close the door on the past and return to your life. And knowing what to include lets you write one small piece at a time, so you never have to hold the whole story at once.
Ready to Begin? Pick an Entry Point
You know how to be kind to yourself if the writing gets hard. Now let’s spend a few minutes writing. Our First-Timer Storykeeping Series gives you a small task and walks you through it step by step.
If there are questions you wish you’d asked, try the QUESTIONS entry point. Your questions can help you start your project, and if regret comes up, use your kindness practice. Or choose another entry point from the list below. As always, go with whatever feels easiest.
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQs
No. Being kind to yourself doesn’t mean avoiding the hard parts of your story. It’s what helps you face them. Research on self-compassion shows that people who are kind to themselves cope better with difficult situations, not worse.
That’s okay. Start simple, with the most general word you can find, like mad, sad, or scared. Then look at the Feelings Wheel and notice which words resonate most with you. Naming feelings takes practice, and it gets easier the more you do it.
Yes, if tears come, that’s normal. You’re writing about painful moments in the lives of the people you love most. And if you don’t cry, that’s normal too. Everyone experiences emotions differently. Your kindness practice is there when you need it.
Feelings may linger after you write. Continue the kindness practice after your writing session, and do something that comforts you, like taking a walk, calling a friend, or making a cup of tea. You can also set this part of your story aside and write about something else for a while. A kindness practice isn’t a substitute for therapy. If your painful feelings don’t ease or they grow stronger, reach out to a therapist for support.
Maybe. Naming your feelings is first for you, to help you write. But sometimes a feeling you name, like regret that you never asked more questions, or the discomfort of growing up with a past your parent never talked about, says something important about your family’s experiences and yours. If it does, include it.
Photo credits: Justine Knight Photography.
